Love and Hate
by Chan101
Summary: Final chapter of this story. This was a hard to finish because I kept going in a lot of different directions so I hope its not jumbled. Thank you to everyone for their reviews and following along! Wondering if anyone can guess where the middle name came from. Hint take a look at the first line. )
1. Chapter 1

I am so tired of Matt. Honestly I wish he would just leave me alone. Strange strong words coming from someone who all of Dodge thought just waited on and wanted him. I love and hate him.

The last time he rode out was when his arm was so injured that he could barely get on his horse. What am I supposed to do? Just wait like I always do? Well forget it. I'm done. I'm done waiting and wanting. I hate myself more and more everyday and what's worse, it's making me hate him more and more.

I've lived my whole life for other people. My father, my mother, Matt, Doc and even the Long Branch has always come first.

My father abandoned my mother when I was young and then tried to steal what I made on my back when I was older. His failures as a man, husband and father set me up for heartbreak with every other man I've ever known. The funny thing is that I like and don't like men because of him. I like how men smell, talk and how they act. At the same time, I don't like them for exactly for the same reasons. Why is it on some men it works and others it doesn't? I only know that I don't trust any man because of him. Men, they all hurt and disappoint and end up showing you that you don't mean that much to them. Sadly this has been true much of my life. If I was truthful, men don't have a monopoly on being untrustful. Women can be bitches. Myself included.

Mother, are you more than a sweet memory of love and comfort? Did your own unwise choice beckon me to mine? When I was younger I didn't understand why you loved Father. Now that I am older I see my reflection in you. You refused to see the real man. The man unsuited to be a husband and father. You looked past his weaknesses and loved him even though he didn't deserve it. Did you teach me to love like that on purpose knowing that some day I would love a man that was equally unsuitable and unattainable? I repeated your mistake. No way I am going to allow that to happen to my child.

My child. Matt's child. The dream child I gave up so long ago. Does he fathom the depth of my grief over that child? No explanations he says. God damn him. I NEED explanations and want them. But I won't get them because he's not here. He's never here. And honestly I lack the courage to force him. I'm afraid I already know the real answer.

Matt. God I love and hate you. My body aches for your touch but my mind and soul balk at being near you.

Sex with Matt is wonderful, frantic, intense, painful, soulful, exquisite, and lonely. After all these years I haven't come up with a word that adequately describes it. Sometimes it's enough but more often than not, its not. In the morning when he leaves my bed and me alone, bitterness overwhelms me. My anger and shame at needing him blinds me to the love that we just shared. My poor Cowboy doesn't understand it any more than I do.

Sex it's what has kept us together. I am so weak. All these years of being private in public has enabled me to keep my weakened heightened senses in check but it doesn't stop my body shaking in anticipation when I'm in his presence. Many a time Matt couldn't stay longer than to say "Hello" and yet those words were enough to send me to my office alone and take care of my needs. My center burns and wets for him. It's unladylike and since I am no lady I enjoy and ride the sensation. I once I shocked Matt by telling him that. It made him blush. I still smile at that memory.

My confidence in everything is gone. My friends and looks are gone. My only constant is the Long Branch, my other lover. Matt and I both cheated on each other. Him, with the badge and me, with that shoddy building. I gave it my youth and energy and watched with pride as it grew and prospered into the Long Branch legend. Without it I would be just some whore, just some other unknown woman in a town of forgettable women. My hopes and dreams lay shattered and bloodied like the men who have died there. Still the Long Branch is mine to love and protect but not for much longer. Like any proud parent, there is a time to let go and let someone else love your child.

I gotta get out of here. I'm going to end up killing someone. I can't stand myself, Matt, Doc, Festus, Newly, Dodge, life. I want to leave before I end up really truly hating Matt. He doesn't understand me any longer or my anger. I tried to get answers from him and told him the scales were outta whack and that it was hard to throw away so many years together. Instead of being honest, he just said that I knew how he felt and that it was my decision. But damn it, it's not. It should be ours. He never understood that.

Matt for god's sake, please just say it. I know you don't love me anymore.

"Kitty", Doc says as he reaches the table where I sit and wait the day after Matt left. I look up and smile.

"Hello Doc. You want coffee?" I am surprised how calm and normal my voice seems. Doc. He has protected me, loved me and kept my secrets for so many years.

"Did you see Matt off?" Doc asks quietly, waiting to see how I answer. He watches me all the time.

"Yes" is all I say. I can't give him any ammunition into my thoughts. Not now. Matt is destroying another relationship. Not mine and his, but Doc's and mine.

I smile at Doc and try to redirect him. "Curly, we both know there is nothing we can do to change his mind so lets not worry. The coffee is hot and strong and there is wonderful sweetbreads for breakfast". Doc's eyebrow's go straight to his forehead and meet his hat.

"Kitty."

"Doc, lets not do this anymore. Let's pretend that everything's normal. The sun is shining and that everyone that should be here is." That of course is lie. Not only is Matt not here but also so many others, my mother, Chester, Quint, Thad. Just because some aren't actually dead, doesn't mean that I don't think of them that way. They are so empty in my life that they might as well be dead.

Doc doesn't understand but he does what I ask.

"Well, young lady, what is on your agenda today?" as he reaches for a blue and white coffee cup. I smile at his pet name for me, young lady.

"I have whiskey drummers coming this morning and an a friend of mine should be along sometime this week. You remember me speaking of Hannah?"

Doc murmurs "Yes", but actually doesn't remember her. Could he have missed Kitty talking about her or was Kitty confused? He thinks that something is up as he watches her closely. She is paler than normal and her breathing seems to be a bit quicker. It could be the stress of Matt leaving without knowing where he is or it could just be a normal physical response to the heat and early morning. He knows that sleep is not her friend now.

"What about you, Doc? Where are you off to today?" I ask not caring. Hoping I can slip into a non-listening coma.

The next couple of weeks pass quickly and agonizingly slowly. I keep to a normal routine and hope that no one picks up my increasing nervousness and changes to my body. "I gotta get out of here." is my mantra. I really want to wait for Matt but I can't much longer. I can and will leave him but I need to see him in person. I want his touch to remember and to keep me sane without the longing I know will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Hannah and I finished our business. I can't believe how easy it was for me to let go of the Long Branch. My home, my life and love for 20 years. Matt is so mixed up with the sale that I feel like I sold him too. I want people to get to know Hannah and get used to her being behind the bar and not me. I take a couple of short trips to the Ronniger's, just to be gone and have Doc, Festus and Newly and everyone get to know her and more importantly, come to the Long Branch without seeing me there.

My heart breaks a bit when I realize that they are used to seeing her and not me behind the bar even though it's what I want. I place my hand on my stomach and smile. I don't really care I think honestly. I have what I want.

My child. He's finally real. He's finally here. I am constantly smiling. Years of practice of keeping my emotions to myself help keep my giddiness in check. My new love how you outshine every other love I've known. Oh my god. I am so happy that you are finally here. I don't even regret the other love I have to leave behind to make you sure that you are safe. That's a lie. It kills my soul but it's a price I am willing to pay to have you here with me.

Matt, I wish I could tell you about him. I want to see your smile break slowly across your face and then into your heart. I pretend that you will be happy and you will sweep me up in your arms and say, "Kitty, I'm so happy". Although you may hate me, you know that keeping you apart is the smart play. You may think you are hurt when I am gone but could you image your pain if something happened to our child due to the badge and the violence of our lives?

I am willing to have you hate me when I leave you. That hate will enable you to keep your edge and keep you alive. It will kill our love and I can live with that as long as you are alive. Alive, Matt. You must stay alive. Then I can think of our far off someday. Someday when you will be able to join us. Oh my god, Matt. I want that so much. But our lives don't allow us any that type of happiness. One of us will always be hurt and unhappy.

Smiling I walk into Jonas's store to pick up my latest order. I have been stockpiling shirts, pants, socks and toilettes for Matt so when I am gone he doesn't have to worry about it. I have taken care of his needs for so many years that I am not even sure he is aware of it anymore. It's just something else I do for him that he doesn't pay attention to. He still has a room at Ma's and I prepare the room for his eventual homecoming. I pay the room off for the next year. Ma and I have reached an understanding. She knows and accepts our love and is one of the few people who Matt trusts with that. He will need her when I am gone. I make sure that his rye whiskey is by the bedside table and that his favorite soap is available in the washroom.

While I take care of Matt, I am also taking care of Doc, Festus and Newly. I drop hints about my friend who is having a baby who is in poor health and that I will be going to her soon to help out and that I may be long awhile. "Awhile? What does that mean Miz Kitty? When are you leavin? Does Matthew know?" Festus, my dear, sweet and too often savior, asks furiously. Newly keeps his silence and just watches all of us. I always feel calm when I am with him. His calm is a salve to my often-troubled soul.

"Festus." I smile at him and put my hand on his arm to settle him. "I don't know how long I will be gone but Hannah is here and will take care of you. If you know what I mean." I say and wink at my three boys. Doc and Newly understand but Festus is still lost in his world and slowly understanding I won't be in it much longer.

"Miz Kitty, I don't need no other sheemale taking care of me." He declares.

Smiling, I say "Festus what I mean is that the beer will be on me until I get back. And knowing how much you like beer, you know that I can't afford to be away long." Doc laughs at that and Newly smirks above his free beer. I can't remember a time that they actually paid for anything here.

"Shoot Miz Kitty, you know I would pay." he begins. "I know, I know Festus. It's okay." And deep in my soul it really is.

"Now gentlemen, if you excuse me, I have some things I need to take care of." I say to get away from the men who for so long loved and protected me. Choruses of "Miz Kitty and Kitty" follow me as I make my way to the stairs. I turn and see them huddled together trying to figure out what's happening. God I will l miss them I think when I hear an argument intensifying. Newly is the first to look up and take notice. He stands to start over to the table. I am already on my way to calm the waters.

"Gentlemen" I start to say trying to calm the situation when the guns come out.

"Men" I think to myself. "They're so stupid. How does this solve anything?" As soon as I think that, I feel a sharp pain and as I fall I see Matt's face at the batwing doors.

"Miss Kitty" Newly reaches me first since he was already on his feet.

By the time I am on the floor Matt has already taken care of the man who shot me and would have shot the innocent dealer. He was just a bad poker player.

"Matt" I whisper.

"Kitty, honey, Miz Kitty, Miss Kitty" Calls of my name in all its forms hit my ears. There is only one voice I want. "Matt"

"I'm here honey." His voice low and hurt says. "Doc? Newly?" The same voice asks more uncertain. Before the pain takes me I hear Festus asking for people to clear back and away.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm here honey." His voice low and hurt says. "Doc? Newly?" The same voice asks more uncertain. Before the pain takes me I hear Festus asking for people to clear back and away.

Matt POV

Kitty drives me crazy. I love her so. She should understand and know that by now. Yes my job, the badge, gets in the way of traditional love and commitment but nevertheless, I love her and she's mine. She's always been mine. From the first time I saw her to the last time her anger and fear lashed out at me. My love for her never stops.

There have been people I have cared about over the years, Doc, Chester, Quint, Thad, Festus, Newly and even to an extent, Burke. Forget Burke, he drives me crazy. I wish I could drive my fist into to your face. You annoy me.

The other women who I've known and who I thought I loved don't hold a spark, a candle or a memory to Kitty. Cara, Dolly, Lee, and even the most hurtful, Mike can't take her place in my heart. Lee, the woman I came the closest to marrying and Mike, the woman who cared for me or Dan, the man I don't remember and whose ghost shames me. Mike, the woman Dan loved and Dan, the man who left Kitty. Mike is a soulful hurt that lasted only a month, but Kitty is the air that I breathed for 20 years. Sometimes in the dark of night when I am alone, my thoughts go to Mike and how I wronged her and I wonder what would have happened if she didn't say my name. Would we have continued or would my memory of my past life and Kitty returned? The guilt of that time never leaves me and when Kitty sees me looking in the distance, I know she sees me looking for that time. It was a time of peace that I have rarely known. It shames me.

Even though the thought of Mike shames, the many thoughts of Kitty make me smile and proud. I love her. More than the blood in my veins, it's my love for her that keeps me going. Her love pulses so strongly through me that sometimes all I can hear is her sweet voice saying "Oh, Matt." It keeps me alive and kills me. I think she knows she is my heart and how much I love her but lately I am not sure. Something is wrong; we are off. The ease of our communication through touch and eye contact is gone. When I try to look into her eyes, she turns away and shuts me off. I don't think there is someone else but she is shutting me out.

I never wanted to want or need anyone. But she challenged and won my resolve to be alone. I hate and love her for that.

I didn't realize how lonely I was until I saw her that first time. She and Doc think the first time I saw her was at the café but it wasn't. I saw her get off the stage. For as much as I teased Chester, I liked to watch the stages come and go too. I liked to see who was coming into Dodge and who was leaving. That day was rainy and cold, I remember leaning against a post across the street and watched the passengers disembark. The moment I noticed her, a fat raindrop marched down the back of my neck and I shivered. To this day, I am not sure if it was the cold wet raindrop or the beautiful woman who stepped off the stage that caused me to shiver. She didn't notice me but I certainly noticed her. She was a girl with red hair and an attitude. I could tell that from across the street that you didn't mess with her.

A cowboy tried getting friendly with her as she reached into the stage for a bag and he grabbed her around the waist. As I started across the street, she looked at him with an arched eyebrow and said something that made him quickly drop his hand and scurry away. Without knowing how often I would be the recipient of that look and words, I had sympathy for that poor cowboy.

She intrigued me from the beginning and God help me, she still does. She doesn't think I find her attractive anymore. Nothing is further than the truth and nothing I seem to say or do convinces her even though I spent many a night and morning trying. Yes, she is older but so I am. We both have scars physically and emotionally but her beauty only grows to me. Her wisdom and spirit seems to gain strength every year and although she only sees the lines I see the moments etched across her face. I love her face.

Sex with Kitty it's nothing like the physical release I have known with other women. With Kitty it's so much more. How do I describe the deliciousness of her lips and her touch? Even when she touches me innocently on the arm, it's enough for my pants to become tight and there have been a few times in our long years together that I have not been able to wait for her. Once I told her that after weeks on the trail of some outlaw and seeing her innocently on the street I had to hurriedly turn him over to Chester and take care of business. I know she liked that as she showed me later that night.

I wish it had been just sex but it wasn't because if it has been it would have been easier to leave her alone. But it wasn't. Something kept pulling us to each other, even though both of us at the beginning were not ready for a relationship. I think we would have been better off if one of us had been strong enough to stay away from the other. But she wasn't and God help me, I know I wasn't. Most days and nights I'm happy with my weakness. But the bad times have dimmed that resolve and I now regret that my love for her as I hurt her so many times.

The last few years have been hard. The things we've both endured tested our strength. Her strength was tested by Mike and my strength was pushed to its limits with what has happened to her because of her love for me. Bonner. Bonner, the man who nearly broke me. I wish I could say the pain of that time is over and that we both recovered and moved on but we haven't. To honest, I think she has, but I know I haven't been able to. God, I've tried to put that time out of my thoughts, but when I look at her now all I can see is her lying on Doc's table beaten and bruised and god help me, raped. I know that's not what she wants to me see. She would rather I remember her before that time and I think the fact that I can't has been driving us apart. It sends me on long assignments that I probably would have turned down before. Before Bonner. That is how I think of time now. Before and after Bonner. He has been gone for years but he haunts me every day since he brought her back. I can't forget.

Kitty is smart and perceptive. She knows my guilt and shame for Bonner, Mike and the countless other times I've hurt her by my silence when people called her a whore or when some woman who thought I was available and I said nothing to contradict them. Kitty doesn't hold these things against me. She has this remarkable ability to put things behind her and move on. She is so much more than I deserve. I don't deserve her but am so glad she got off that stage and into my life. I shutter to think of what I where I would be without her. Most likely dead.

I am unable to say to her or the world, what I hold most dear in my heart. Her. Her. Her. Kitty, Her name is a prayer I whisper to the cold wind. I wish I could shout my love, devotion and respect for her so all would hear and comprehend. The reason I say we don't owe each other explanations is that there is no explanation or rationale for how much I love you no matter who or what comes into our lives. I know I have hurt you for not claiming you as mine but you are mine. Mine and no one else's. One look in your eyes I know its true. You are mine and I am yours. You know that too.

Now after all we have been through, she has shut herself off from me and I don't know why. I ask, "Kitty, what it is? What have I done?"

Her short reply is always the same "Nothing Matt. I'm just thinking. You haven't done anything. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. Please just forget it. Come here, Cowboy. Let me love you." And I know its wrong, but I let her distract me. God that woman distracts me more than any other woman I have ever known.

Still I don't understand why she can't see I have to go, the injury to my arm puts the town, her and me at risk. I can't stay here and wait for them to come for me, for us. I gotta get out of here. I don't want to go. For god's sake, all I want is to stay. That's all I ever wanted. But I don't get the luxury of what I want. Even though I know its right to leave, my guilt and loss of leaving her hurts me. Kitty. I want to stay with you. I never want to leave. You don't know the depth of my pain when I leave you. You think it's easy but my soul breaks a little more each time I go. It's not easy and that's why I leave so quickly and with little words. I can't give in now. I have to go and be strong even though it appears that I don't need and want you. My heart breaks each time I leave Dodge and you.

I didn't tell anyone that I would be back early hoping to surprise Kitty. I missed her and was looking forward to her usual welcome but as I got near the Long Branch, even from outside, I heard the argument grow in intensity and braced myself as I opened the batwing doors. By then it was already too late. I saw her lying on the floor at the same time as I shot the man who shot her.

"Kitty honey." My voice joins Doc, Festus, Sam and Newly who call her by all her names.

Instead of Doc saying "Get him up to my office, careful…" it was "Careful, careful, get her up to my office". I can hear and feel his fear for her.

I sweep her up in my arms mindful of her wound and my heart and make the short distance to Doc's office in a minute, all the time hearing the chaos I leave behind. Festus and Sam are taking care of the dead man whose life and entity died in the Long Branch.

"Doc…" I stumble as I lay Kitty down on the table. Newly followed close behind me and began gathering the instruments I knew that would either save her or be witness to her death. Her blood was on my hands, my shirt, my pants, my boots, my face. There wasn't a spot on me not covered with Kitty's blood.

"Doc. Her blood is everywhere. Doc." I am shaking with fear with all of her blood on me. Even with Bonner I didn't have her blood on me, just the guilt of her being taken. Doc ignores me as he prepares Kitty for surgery. I am not even sure where the bullet went. There is just too much blood for me see where she was hit. I move to take a seat and look down and see her blood on the floor. God. Kitty.

Doc says "Festus take him out of out here." He doesn't look at me. He is afraid I will see his lack of hope that she will survive and the truth that if she didn't, none of us would.

"Matthew" Festus puts his hand on my arm to lead me away from the room. "Doc will take care of Miz Kitty, lets get you away from here. Lets get you cleaned up. Miz Kitty wouldn't like you sitting here like this." I allow myself to be led away like a child. I almost wish someone would shoot me so I don't have to know what happens next. I don't want to be here if she dies. If she lives she is better off without me. I can't win.


	3. Chapter 3

"Matthew" Festus puts his hand on my arm to lead me away from the room. "Doc will take care of Miz Kitty, lets get you away from here. Lets get you cleaned up. Miz Kitty wouldn't like you sitting here like this." I allow myself to be led away like a child. I almost wish someone would shoot me so I don't have to know what happens next. I don't want to be here if she dies. If she lives she is better off without me. I can't win.

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Doc POV

Festus has taken Matt to get cleaned up and wash off Kitty's blood. I wish I had the same luxury. Thankfully Newly is here with me as I tend Kitty. Seeing her on the table close to death again hurts me as much as any pain I've ever known. I really am too old for this. It's not only my hands that shake as I tend her but my heart as well. I need Newly to do more than I normally do. I can't bear to see her in pain again. I know its not Matt's fault but I blame him nevertheless. He should have married her and taken her far away from this godforsaken and lawless life a long time ago.

Again, again, again. I hate the word. How many again's have I witnessed with her and Matt? Too many I think as I try to sop up her blood.

I know what she has been up with her trips. I've watched her and know she is pregnant. I've kept that knowledge to myself and as much as I love her, I need her to come to me. Matt, Kitty and I have lived too long with keeping our secrets, hopes, hurts and thoughts to ourselves. It's not right and I owe Matt and her my deepest apologies for even now keeping my true self from them. They are one in my heart. Matt, I think knows that more than Kitty. It's easier for men not to say the actual words of love but it is known nevertheless. With Kitty and I, it's something else. As much as she plays the man, she is utterly female and demands and wants the words I haven't been able to say to her.

She doesn't know I love her, even after Bonner. That animal who nearly destroyed her and all who love her. My soul aches when I remember that time. From her being taken and the agony of not knowing what was happening to her. My mind was all too happy to fill my thoughts with vivid images of what was being done to her. The reality of her torture was worse than anything I imagined. Even the gunshot was nothing compared her to other injuries. It's easier for me to see Matt lying hurt on the table than her. Her beautiful body and face destroyed by so much violence.

My beautiful and witty Kitty. I love you so. I am ashamed that I took you for granted even after Bonner. I was the man, the doctor, the father who sat with you and watched as you clawed your way up from the depths of despair. My heart broke as I listened to your tortured dreams and feared for your sanity and life. Even then I took your strength for granted. Thinking that this would just be another time to recover and forget. But I was wrong, because not only wouldn't you be the same Kitty but I wouldn't be the same friend, man, father, doctor who loved you.

My beautiful and strong friend. Your bravery is beacon of light to me. Your strength is my guide and I followed your lead after Bonner. All of us who love you think of time as before and after Bonner. Your light and smile took awhile to find in that darkness but nevertheless you came back to us. But did you ever really come all the way back my friend? Did I let you all too often say you were fine because I didn't want to know that you weren't? I was weak because I wanted to believe the lie you told me.

I wronged you. I forgot that you always put us before your own pain. Matt is not the only man in your life to take you for granted.

I snap my head up as Newly asks me what he wants me to do next.

I don't want to be the one making these decisions. I wish, not for the first time, that there was another doctor in town and that I could turn my responsibilities over to them. But there isn't and so I hike up my shoulders and tell Newly what I need.

Like Matt, I could not get over the amount of blood that flowed from Kitty's wound. The wound was terrible and I had a hard time stopping the flow of red down her back. The bullet hit her on her left upper back and I had a hard time extracting the offending object. After I stitched her up Newly and I turned her over and I listened and hoped for a different heartbeat. The sound of silence grew in the room and then there was the sound I was praying for. There was another life beating within Kitty. Her baby lived.

The baby lived.

I almost fell to my knees. Kitty, my precious Kitty. You would not be leaving me now. I forbid it. I don't care what Matt does. I know his heartache of loving you. The agony of waiting for someone to hurt you and then the desolation of when it happened. I am not going to forsake you anymore Kitty. I am ready to leave and take you and the child with me and protect you from the terrors that live within you and Matt.

"Doc." Newly's calm voice interrupts my thoughts. "We need to get Matt and Festus". His brown eyes lock on mine and give me strength.

I let my hand leave Kitty's and walk to the door. Festus has taken Matt and got him cleaned of Kitty's blood and they are both waiting outside on the steps like lost children. My children.

"Doc?" they both ask and both afraid to look up. I see Festus' eyes first. He loves Kitty and fiercly protects her. Matt, the man I know who loved her for so long and tried to keep that love a secret breaks.

"She will be fine" I say quickly to make sure they understand and usher them in. The instruments and bandages with her blood are still littered on the floor and table and I hear both men gasp. These strong men who have withstood so much blood and violence in their lives are taken aback by the blood and tissue of Kitty on the floor. "Matt! Festus!" I snap to bring their attention from the gore to me.

"She will be okay."

Matt slowly walks to where Kitty lays silently on the table and takes her hand. Festus is behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder and I want to fall to my knees. He quietly gives me strength. All of us are here for her. The men who love her. I need to tell them.

"Matt, Festus, Newly." All three of my brothers raise their eyes to me. As much as I think Matt should be told alone, I know we are brothers and protectors of Kitty. "Matt. I need to tell you." A groan of pain interrupts me as Kitty begins to awaken.

"Doc." She cries softly. "Doc. I want Matt."

"Matt. Matt. Oh Matt". Kitty moan's, not fully awake. Matt clutches her hand to his chest and strongly declares, "I'm here honey. Can you feel me? I have your hand. Can you feel me kissing you?" as he bends and plants kisses on her forehead.

"Matt. Please, please, please don't leave me." Kitty pleads. "Never" Matt cries into her hand.

Newly, Festus and Doc stand back and watch the lovers reconnect.


	4. Chapter 4

"Golly Bill Doc, I'm jus singin." Festus explains to Doc as he swayed back and forth. "Singing? Is that what you call it? I heard your screeching all the way outside." Doc grumbles and reaches for the bundle that Festus holds. Festus reluctantly lets go but hides his smile as Doc coo's softly to the child.

"Doc. Miz Kitty says I was to look after the babe while she and Matthew went to look at the Walker ranch." Festus states proudly, although as much as he admired Matthew and Miz Kitty, he never thought he would see the day when they would settle down and have a family. In the hills they would be grandparents by now but city folks have their own ways.

His thoughts were unhappily brought back to the night in Doc's office when he and Matthew stumbled into the office and slipped in Miz Kitty's blood on the floor. He could still feel the stickiness of her blood on his boots and his heart blanches at the memory. He tries to put that and other hurtful memories away, but at times they make themself known. After Doc assured them that Kitty would be okay, both men whose hearts where in their throats let out groans of relief. Festus stood behind Doc and placed his hands firmly on the older man's shoulders giving him whatever strength he had left. Miz Kitty, he could never think of her any other way, was coming to and speaking with Matthew. He could hear them speaking words of love and his heart was filled with hope for them.

"Matt" Doc calls softly to him, bringing his attention back to him. Matt lets go of Kitty's hand and walks toward Doc with Festus and Newly. "Tell me Doc." Matt barks afraid of what Doc will say. Touching Matt on his arm and looking at both Festus and Newly, Doc tells them that Kitty will be okay but there is something they need to know. Doc wipes his hand across his mouth, taking a breath before he changes their lives forever. All three men brace themselves for bad news not expecting what Doc says next.

"Matt, I'm not even sure I should be telling you let alone them," Doc says pointing and Newly and Festus "But I think you all should know." Choruses of "Doc." in various forms of discontent chime in. Matt's voice rises above the rest. "Just tell it Doc." bracing himself for more heartache.

Doc takes a quick look at these proud, strong men who love the woman lying on the table and then surprises them all by smiling broadly. "Matt." He says as he takes his hand, "You're going to be a Daddy." These men, these brothers, are stunned into silence. No one expected that.

Newly, the one who always remains calm and cool jumps up and shouts "Hallelujah!" The other three men look at him for a second and then break into soft laughter. At the news that Kitty is caring his child, a smile breaks across Matt's face and he silently whispers, "I am so happy Kitty. Thank you honey."

"Matt. I'm sorry to tell you this way." Doc begins but Matt cuts him off. "Is she, are they okay?" His legs tremble and find Doc's chair, no longer able to stand up. Unknowingly his hand wipes his mouth identically like Doc and he looks at the floor unable to meet Doc's eyes. Doc moves quickly to Matt and heavily puts his hand on his shoulder so he would feel his answer. "Matt, they are fine and will be fine. I promise."

The horror of the last couple of hours are swept away by the miraculous news. "Festus take this hothead" Doc says pointing to Newly "and get out of here and don't breathe of a word of this yet. It's Kitty's and Matt's news to share."

Newly quickly recovers his composer and shakes both Doc and Matt's hands with pride and heads toward the door. Festus, whose love for all of these people in the room shines stands silently and surprisingly, hugs both Matt and Doc. Neither man is used to this type of display but gladly accept and return the hug. Doc finally brings it to an end exclaiming "Scat and leave us be" but catches Festus' hand in his and holds it for a second feeling Festus' love flow into him. It gives him strength for the next conversation.

Matt watches Festus and Newly leave Doc's office and steels himself for the bad news that he knows awaits him. The thought that Kitty is pregnant with his child doesn't come as a surprise. At some point in his life he knew that this would happen and is happy that it has come at the end of his career and that he is ready for it.

"Matt" Doc starts but Matt interrupts him. "You said she and the baby are okay and that they will be okay. Right?' Matt states. "Well, yes but there are things you need to know." Doc struggles to say. "Matt, Kitty didn't come to me and I only thought she was pregnant. She was going to leave us without telling us." Doc spurts out his words like the blood that had left Kitty's body only hours ago. "I don't know what her plans are, only that she didn't tell me she was pregnant and she obviously didn't tell you. But I do know she started plans to leave Dodge."

"Matt," Doc tries to go on but a moan from Kitty brings both men to her side. She doesn't wake but Matt takes her hand brings it again to his lips before gently putting it back under the protection of the blanket.

"Doc it doesn't matter what she was planning or what her plans were. She and I will come up with new plans". Matt states staring at Kitty and then looks up at the man they both thought as their father. "It doesn't matter. I'm done leaving her and I'm done with her leaving me. Get the pastor ready for tomorrow Doc. Kitty and I are getting married even if she's unconscious. I'm done waiting. I'm done with everything but being the man, the husband and father I've long denied her."

Matt had tried to explain to them for he understood without her ever having to say a word. He could only tell them that Kitty had no choice, that he had driven her to it. He took full responsibility for the choice she made to leave and that Kitty was actually trying to save them all heartache and pain.

When Kitty regained consciousness she cried in shame and fear, Matt held her and said, "No Kitty. No tears, no regrets. I understand honey, I really do. You were faced with something you thought you had to do by yourself and that more than anything hurts me. But I understand it. Yes, you were going to leave me but your love and honor for me, for us and our friends shown in what you tried to do before you left." He said as he rocked her slowly on the brass bed that for years had been his only home. He rubbed her back and listened to her cry and she ran her hands up and down his arms soothing them both.

"Matt, I've been so scared, so lonely and mad even before the baby that I didn't know where to turn. I was so afraid all the time. Not afraid like after Bonner, but afraid that we lost our love and that hurt more than him." Kitty said. She was ashamed that she ever doubted him, her, them. Matt seeing her hurt, lovingly took her hand and kissed her palm and fingered his mother's ring that now adorned her left hand.

"Kitty, I love you and understand we both wanted and needed more from each other but didn't know how to go about it getting it. I should have talked to you more. I hid behind not talking but that was just an excuse and that made me lazy. Lazy in not letting you know my true self and that led to you having doubts." Matt continued to rub her back trying to calm her and him.

"Matt if you didn't talk enough, I know I certainly did. Or should I say yelled?" Kitty quipped and Matt was happy to see a bit of her old spark. "I think I will answer that another day sweetheart but for now, time for you to go to sleep. Doc will have my hide if he knew you were still awake."

"Matt, please stay until I am asleep." Kitty asked quietly. She knows he will but wants to make sure. "Honey." He says his answer and holds her closer.

The lovers and friends found their way back to each other and began a new journey that included a new character by the name of Samantha Wilhelmina Dillon.


End file.
